I Just A Turkey

Gobble?

Gobble gobble gobble.

I am thankful for:

My friends
My cats (not you Grace, you're a douche)
Kayaking
Omegle
Scented Soap Shops
Blogger
Lady GaGa
Velcro
My new neighbor (I haven't met her but I hear she's realllyyyy hot)
Frozen Pizza
Handlebar Mustaches
Magic Markers

I'm not thankful for:

Nuns
Glenn Beck
You
Oprah
The Game (I'm guessing you just lost it? Sucks for you.)
The pregnant man. Or woman. Whatever the hell that thing was.
Vegetarians
Dinosaurs (We have a history)
Candy Corn
Partying in the USA
Bob Saget

That's about it.

Till next time.

Today I Saw A Squirrel - PART 2

I became very upset that this particular squirrel did not respond. I left him another letter:

Dear Squirrel,

Sorry to bother you again, but I fell the need to clarify something. In my last letter, I explained why I wrote to you in the first place, and in doing so I think I may have mistakenly left you with the impression that I, in fact, do think you're cute. I do not. Nothing could be further from the truth. I do not think you're that cute. I do not think you are cute at all.

My original error was in writing to you to begin with, not in my opinion of your cuteness or lack thereof. My first letter was simply an attempt to explain why I yelled at you, and to apologize for writing it without thinking my actions through. Then, as I said, this second letter is to clarify any potential misunderstandings about whether or not I think you are that cute.

Again: I do not.

In fact, I think you look like a whore.

Sincerely,

Jacob Eisner

The Reason I Need A List Of Awkward Females

As many of you know, kayaking is my thing. So being me, I decided I needed to have all of my race boats and training boats to have flashy names... I was thinking that the boats should share names with famous black celebrities. The first boat should certainly be Beyonce... but who knows.

That is why I am making this post, I want your help choosing a name. Comment on this post and lemme know what you think.

I'm busy today, so that's all your gonna get outta me today.

Oh, I should probably get some well deserved shout-outs in this post.

ANDY PAIGE: Thanks dude. Your basically the reason this blog is awesome.

BO: You know why...

ZACK KAPLAN: Thank you for giving out sour patch kids... thats pretty cool.

DEANNA: Thank you being awesome about me being egotistic lately about this blog... and just for being you. PDA.

I wish I could do some anti shout outs... but that would just be shouting them out. Dammit.

If You Ran For Presidency, I Would Probably Vote For You

At long last, the blog war has finished. No folks, this does not mean that the blog will now disappear. So don't sweat.

I would like to sadly say one of the many things I have been fearing ever since the beginning of this blog war, it ended in a tie.

This bothers me. I would like to reflect to my first blog which stated the following, "Not just because Claire isn't allowed to win, but I'm not allowed to lose either." I only accomplished one part of this statement, Claire clearly did not win, but of course, I did not win either. That is a loss in my book.

That is icky. But I have an indomitable spirit, so don't worry about me ladies and gents. Part of the bet between Claire and I was that whoever lost this bet had to write a sweet little summary of the other person. Since we both lost, I'm required to write something simple about her. So here we go:

Claire Rostov, you are my idol. If you ran for presidency, I would probably vote for you.

I appreciated the appeal of your blog. The leaves in the background remind me of the good ol' days when I was an apple farmer. That really connects to me and I think it should stay. I have always considered texting as an unusual habit, and that was explained in the genius of your blog. Thank you Claire Rostov.

Not only do I respect you blog, but I also respect you as a person. Thank you for shining your bright happy face upon my dark ways. You should buy a fan and direct your sun at people who are feeling down. This would be a good example of a way to make money in a bad economy. Your silly words leave me giggling every time I hear you talk. Thank you Claire.

Now, you and I will join forces in the blogging industry as companions, not enemies.

I Saw A Squirrel Today

I was walking down my street today when I noticed a squirrel starring back, quietly eating a chestnut. It caught my eye and I caught his. We just stared at each other. After moments of silence I yelled, "You're not cute!"

During the couple of hours I had editing my physics project, I replayed this instance over and over in my head. I feel like I owe you (squirrel) an apology. I may have left you a little blind-sighted by that one, so i'll take a moment to tell you what prompted it in the first place.

I'm aware of the beliefs that squirrels don't have Internet, but I'm not the type of person that underestimates you, so please read this:

This morning, when I woke up, I was looking outside my window when I saw you standing out there with your little hind legs, nibbling away at a little nut that you were holding in you're two tiny hands. When watching this play out in front of me I thought, I bet that squirrel thinks he is soooooo cute.

Unwelcome feelings of resentment and jealousy ran through my veins. Before I knew it, I was enraged. I obviously let my anger have the better of me, and before I knew what I was doing, I was yelling at you, never considering how potentially hurtful it might be.

Now that i've calmed down I feel like a real jerk. So I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me, and just know that in the future I will attempt to do a better job controlling my anger rather than letting my anger control me, per my therapists suggestion.

Sincerely,

Jacob Eisner

The Scented Soap Shop

Everybody loves some good smelling soap. Soap is to people's nostrils what friction is to their genitals... in other words, terrific. Nothing relaxes me me more after a stressful day than a stroll through a soap shop, and I often find myself thinking, I wonder what it would be like if I owned this shop?

The answer? Amazing.

One day I am going to open a scented soap shop. Nothing too flashy. A little yellow house off the beaten path. A place that travelers will hear about from friends and friends of friends. No, it won't be easy to find. They'll drive through some scenic part of the countryside until they just happen to come upon a local walking along the side of the road. They'll pull their car over and ask, "Excuse me, I've heard there's a wonderful scented soap shop somewhere around here? Could you point the way?"

The local will give those travelers a friendly smile and point them in my direction. "Take this road until you come to an old farm with two llamas. Then roll down your windows and just follow the scent of cinnamon until you get there."

The travelers will thank the old man and drive off.

There's always a dish of peppermint candies in my shop, and a bowl of warm milk left out incase a stray tabby cat happens to wander in. It's a place where there is light classical music playing in the background, except during Christmas, when nothing but old Christmas carols are played. A cheerful little bell tinkles when customers enter, and tinkles again when they leave.

"Come again!" I will say when they leave.

"We will." says the customer, and they mean it.

The shop will be a place where if something falls and breaks, the customer offers to pay, but I will say, "That's alright! The place was getting crowded anyway." Then we both chuckle and eat a peppermint.

That's the kind of place I'm going to open. And it's going to sell scented soaps.

What kind of scents? Every kind. Cinnamon, pumpkin spice, kiwi, rain forest. A rain forest soap? Yes. Hell yes.

Of course, a scented soap shop needs a name, and I've thought of one for mine. Every good shop has a pun in the name, and mine is no exception. I'll call it Modern Thymes Scented Soap Shop. The sign will be hand painted in medieval writng with a portrait of me dressed as a court jester, and then underneath the name there'll be a slogan: "smell the difference."

Cute, right?

It will have an American Flag soap that smells like victory. I don't know exactly what it would smell like... maybe a combination of burned hair and marshmallows.

Anyways, it's really going to be great. Maybe it'll become a tourist attraction. Maybe i'll attach a little restaurant , the Thyme cafe, where people can buy lunch and souvenirs. Like tshirts that say, "I had a great thyme at the Modern Thymes Scented Soap Shop" or that sort of thing.

I've certainly thought about it, and I hope one day I will actually get off my ass and do it! Everybody has a dream. Opening an adorable scented soap shop is mine.

Of course, the whole thing will really just be a front for dealing cocaine.

The Concept of Moldy Cheese

Hi.

Well lately people have been asking me what's the deal with your blog title? It's retarded.

Well I have a story for you then. Yes, it's relevant. So suck it.

Once upon a time there was a mother. This mother was just like any other mother. She cooked, grocery shopped, complained, etc. In this scenario, the mother was grocery shopping. While going through her collection of goodies after she made the purchase she realized she bought moldy cheese! This realization quickly struck the mother as a time to return the moldy cheese. Since she is just a mother, she simply tossed the moldy cheese in her shopping cart and returned to shopping the next day. When checking out, she forgot to return the moldy cheese.

So.. she ended up buying the moldy cheese twice. Wow. Now that I think of it its not very relevant at all. But thats okay.

Now time for things that actually matter.

Today I attended U Preps coffee house. I was very disappointed when I came to the realization that they didn't build a house for this occasion. I think i'll be reluctant to go next time. But the songs and poems were great, so kudos to y'all who participated.

Wow this entry is balls. I'll put in a random youtube video to keep you interested.

I also promised some shout outs for my followers so i'll get right to that.

CORRYN WETZEL: Your twinness has really inspired me to make a clone of myself and you have been an influential person in my life. So thank you.

KATHRYN GOUKER: You said you wanted a shout out or else you wouldn't follow me. So here you go. SHOUTED OUT.

DANIEL KWAK: You're asian.

And finally, I'd like to point out that my blog has more followers than claires. Hm... I feel like I educated the public well on the harmfulness of Claire. So keep it up, world.

Boom.

The Claire Rostov Dilema

Hi.

I guess this is a blog... I wasn't really thrilled to make this, but I felt it was necessary for a simple reason. That is? Oh. Claire Rostov had one. Many of you people know this, but I'll give you a sweet little reminder if you forgot.

Claire Rostov is the devil.

Imagine, the devil... with a blog, secretly harassing the minds of it's viewers. That is not okay. Claire, i've found you out. Now get your shit together.

I couldn't let this go through, so I quickly put her true identity out there. People, it is not okay to follow her blog. In fact, I would be proud of you if you did the exact opposite. That's right. I want you to anti-follow it. Now, I understand that it sounds like I'm asking for a lot, but I'm really not. So stop complaining.

See, the thing is that Claire thinks she can get more followers in the matter of one week than I can. This is why we need to anti-follow her. Not just because Claire isn't allowed to win, but I'm not allowed to lose either. So I need my community to not acknowledge Claires existence and follow me. Maybe i'll throw in a good word for y'all in my next blog. I should probably explain the concept of the moldy cheese as well... I'll save that for next time. It's clever.

Anyways... you can check Claires demoralizing posts at sincerelyceer.blogspot.com if you dare.

the morale of the post:

I NEED MORE FOLLOWERS THAN CLAIRE ROSTOV.