Please sit down. Or stand. I guess standing is probably easier for you. This is pretty hard for me. All things like this are, but we need to talk. I don't really know how to say this, so i'll just say it. I no longer love you, Magic Unicorn.
These feelings have been building inside me for a long time, and I can't even tell you why I feel this way... I just do.
Yeah, I admit we have had many good times together. Like when you took me to your home, Magic Unicorn Land, and we frolicked on clouds and ate cotton candy every day for breakfast. Or the time you made it snow in the middle of August. Do you remember the snow ball fights we had? And when we sledded down Chestnut Hill? And even though I developed a pretty serious case of Lyme disease from that, it was completely worth it. And I can't even remember how many times you let me burrow my head into you unicorn mane when I was sad. We had many good times, and I will fondly remember you for that.
So what happened? There's no one answer to that question. It's everything and nothing. It's the fact that you claimed to be and expert balloon tier, but when push comes to shove, you have no balloon tying skills at all. You can't even hold the balloon in your unicorn hooves. Yet if I even mention this to you, you explode at me. You have a temper Magic Unicorn. A very bad temper.
Perhaps it's because you tease the dog so much. The dog never did anything to you, and yet you never miss and opportunity to provoke him. Why? The dog was never a threat to our relationship. Maybe it was good fun for you, but I couldn't help but notice that when you were gone on your cruise last year, the dog's shaking condition seemed to significantly improve. Although, when you returned, so did the shakes. I understand the competition between family pets, but when one of those pets is magical, the fight isn't really fair anymore.
Or perhaps it's because you claim diplomatic immunity when we both know that diplomatic immunity doesn't apply to unicorns.
Or the fact that SOMEBODY peed on the drapes that time, and while you claimed you had nothing to do with it, I noticed the pee was sparkly, and we both know that only one animal in this household has shinny urine. I have to say, the lying has become a problem.
When I was younger, none of this stuff bothered me. The temper, the lying, the vanity, the pornography addiction. After all, I was the new kid in the neighborhood and I didn't really have friends until you came along. I was willing to overlook all of your flaws because you were funny and nice to me, and because you never made fun of my teeth.
I packed up your stuff and put them by the door. Please don't look at me with those big magic unicorn eyes. The truth is, this is going to be better for you, too. We both know that we having been spending as much time together as we used to. But can you blame a guy for preferring to spend time with his girlfriend instead of with an invisible magical horned horse? Can you honestly blame me?
Look, you're going to be fine. I looked in the newspaper and took out in ad last week. Turns out there's a boy across town whose parents just divorced, and he's in the market for a magic unicorn. I told him all about you, and we scheduled an interview at noon. It's kind of far away, I know, but if you use your magical powers, I'm sure you'll be able to manage to get there on time.
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